Questions for Queers: Britt Bender talks about bisexuality
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- 5 min read
We're starting a new interview series here on the WTLI blog, titled Questions for Queers. Today's chat is with Britt Bender (she/they), a bisexual ADHD cat mom, photographer, cross-media artist, TV/film critic, and part time variety streamer on Twitch. She's also a writer on many topics with a special interest in horror, mental health, and art.
Thanks for joining us Britt, and for sharing your insights into bisexual life as you experience it. Now on to the questions!
What terms do you use for your sexual orientation and gender identity?
For my sexual orientation, I use the term bisexual, and for my gender identity, I use the term demi-girl. I often like saying "demi-woman" instead because using "girl" makes me feel infantilized in a way.
How old were you (approximately) when you recognized that the term bisexual matched your orientation?
Because of my childhood and part of my adolescence growing up in an evangelical world of belief, it took some time for me to realize I'm bisexual. It was really funny but also oddly scary because I was in the midst of deconstruction, still just after high school. I was freshly graduated and not yet ready for college. Seeing more and more people talk openly about things like bisexuality helped me get the confidence to open up about it. I started by sharing with some friends and with my parents.
Were there early indicators that you can remember?
I have many, but a lot of them involve movies or shows I watched and realizing the lens I viewed them in wasn't what I thought. Movies like The Mummy (1999), Mask of Zorro (1998), or Hercules (1997) are ones I look back on and realize I wasn't just appreciating the aesthetics of the women shown...I was VERY attracted to them. It was hard at that time, in the midst of evangelical puritanical thinking, to understand attraction to men, let alone women as well. It's funny looking back and being like "yeah, I should have known I was incredibly bisexual".
Do you think your sexual orientation is likely to change over time? What about your gender identity?
It might change over time, but it's not likely. It's easier to say my sexuality won't change, but who knows entirely about my gender identity since it was only a year or so ago that I realized I wasn't completely cisgender. Inner biphobia can be a pain and make me doubt my own sexuality sometimes. It's hard to be bisexual in a relationship that, on the outside, appears heterosexual but is not that way at all. Sometimes I think I'm swaying towards a different sexuality, but it shows up more as influenced by biphobia in heterosexual circles and even my own queer community. In reality, I've done the work already to de-center men from my life, and that helped me realize the natural attraction I have to masculinity without it being directed by heteronormativity.
Sexual attraction and drive vary drastically from individual to individual. How do you describe the kind(s) of attraction you experience? In other words, what's YOUR style of bisexuality?
My style of bisexuality is: I LOVE ALL WOMEN and a specific assortment of masculinity that resembles a large teddy bear, or like they've stepped out of Bridgerton. I also just really love boobs.
What are your frustrations with Western culture as a whole when it comes to bi awareness and acceptance?
The lack of representation of trans and BIPOC (black, indigenous, and people of color) in Western culture frustrates me greatly, but I know it frustrates even more those who experience it first-hand. My rights and ability to show my pride are all thanks to trans and BIPOC individuals.
How much more knowledgeable is the queer community about bisexuality issues and lived experiences?
Mostly, those who are bisexual themselves tend to know more about the issues and lived experiences we have. I've also found more understanding from trans individuals regarding my sexuality compared to gay cisgender men or cisgender lesbians. There's still a large amount of biphobia within the community and it's sad seeing it return time and time again when we have larger issues like our trans sisters and brothers being killed or taking their own lives.
What's the most common misunderstanding about bi individuals?
The most common misunderstanding is that we're still deciding on our sexuality, or that we're actually just straight, lesbian, or gay. Another misunderstanding is that bisexuals are "greedy" or "slutty" when in reality, there are a lot of bisexuals who prefer monogamy. Even if they have multiple partners, it doesn't define their level of sexual activity.
Terminology is constantly evolving, and bisexuality has become an umbrella term under which a variety of orientations fall (for example pansexuality and omnisexuality.) This can be confusing, because the root meaning of the term "bi" means "two." Do you think a new umbrella term would be helpful? And if so, what word or phrase might function better?
I think the phrase works fairly well for bisexuality since I do regard gender when feeling attraction for another person. Maybe in the future our language around it will change, but it'll be up to those who identify with it to do anything like that. Although it can be your own gender and an opposite gender you're attracted to, the levels of attraction or preference varies from person to person.
What would a dream future look like to you in regard to sexual orientation and gender identity within Western cultures?
My dream future regarding sexual orientation and gender identity within Western cultures would include other cultures and their expanding definitions. Without other cultures, the Western world truly crumbles, and I believe loses the importance of community that holds the queer community together. Community makes or breaks us in the face of fascism and how it attempts to destroy our hope. My dream future involves intersectionality playing a vital role in how I and others use our privileges to uplift and push for the rights of others. When we stop ignoring the hurt of others within our community, then we truly grow.
What are your favorite sources for information about bi reality (bi.org, biresource.org, etc.) for those who would like to learn more? What is it about these sites which make them your recs?
These recommendations come from casual finds on social media and what has impacted me.
Books
Bi: The Hidden Culture, History, and Science of Bisexuality by Dr. Julia Shaw
The B Word: Bisexuality in Contemporary Film and Television by Maria San Filippo
Websites
Documentaries
The Death and Life of Marsha P. Johnson (2017) (This is a must-watch for every queer.)
Paris is Burning (1990)
Learn more about Britt's work at this link: https://lnk.bio/BrittNicCreations
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