Respect Their Name and Pronouns

The passage below is excerpted from Holding on to Hope: Help for friends and family of transgender people.

Respect Their Name and Pronouns

Until recently, you, your family, friends, and social circles have known your loved one by the gender they were assigned at birth and a name corresponding to that gender. Requesting those people to use a chosen name and the appropriate pronouns is a significant milestone for transgender individuals. Hearing these affirming words after a lifetime of being referred to as someone they aren’t is a balm to an endlessly hurting wound. When people deadname a trans person or use pronouns that don’t align with their gender identity, the wound is broken open again.

This can be hard as you try to shift your understanding of the one you love. The pattern of our thoughts is intricately connected to the words we repeat frequently, and the reverse is also true. You haven’t had to think about what you call them up until now; the words simply pop out. The only time we do stop and think is when we’re angry, and in that anger, we get more intentional, perhaps using their given name rather than a nickname, or including their middle name. Being angry shakes us out of default. But otherwise, pronoun and name usage essentially run on autopilot.

The good news is that as your brain continues to update and expand the neural networks assigned to knowledge of your loved one, it will get increasingly easier. Eventually, the name and pronouns which feel awkward replace what came before and are transformed into the new normal.

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Suzanne DeWitt Hall (she/they) is the author of the Where True Love Is devotional series, the Living in Hope series of books supporting the loved ones of transgender people, The Language of Bodies (Woodhall Press, 2022), and the Rumplepimple adventures.