The mulchy discomfort of lying fallow
Someone I follow on Twitter asked queer Christians about their faith experiences during our time of isolation due to pandemic. This was my response. The weird beauty of this durian seed seemed especially fitting for the emotion.
In a weird way, I'm connecting to my faith by disconnecting. The Christian shenanigans on display in response to #BLM and #COVID19 have highlighted the breadth of darkness, and made me more comfortable moving further away from traditional Christianity.
And I find the more I untether from my former understanding of Christian scripture and church, the more settled my spirit feels that God is growing something.
I don't know what that something is. It's like there's a bump beneath the soil where a seed is sprouting but hasn't broken through yet.
The whole thing feels very... mulchy. The soil of my soul is being enriched by the decomposition of what was false. And a new thing is taking form. Hidden, but growing.
I feel adrift and it's uncomfortable. Church has been a huge part of my life for over a decade, and churchlessness feels disconcerting. But things are happening through it. Important things.
And those things couldn't happen if I was busy doing business as usual.
What's been happening with your soul during this fallow season?